by Becky Braunstein
Looking for an easy way to make sure everyone knows the Force is definitely NOT with you? Here's a list of five things you can tell people you don't give about Star Wars!
1. A rat’s ass
Traditions are important. Why not stick with a winner? Nothing says, “I have no interest in this sci-fi movie event” like the good old-fashioned ass of a rat.
2. Two shits
This is the hyperbole for those who REALLY mean it. Your disgust for all things Star Wars is so dense and fibrous, one shit will not even cover it. “You think I’m going to spend two shits’ worth of time out my day ruminating on Harrison Ford and a bunch of CGI robots? NOPE.”
3. A flying fuck
We’re starting to sound like Twelve Days of Christmas here, but not even a hundred pipers piping can get you to launch a single fuck into orbit about the sci-fi sequel of the decade. Every single fuck in your possession is staying right on the ground, and a mile away from any movie theater this month.
4. A toss and/or wank
Brits and Aussies - this one’s for you! Even C3PO’s quilted tea cosy accent couldn’t buy it back for you guys, and that takes commitment. Nothing kills the mood for you like a trapezoidal trumpet fanfare title sequence washing over a hundred nerds in the dark. Well, actually now you put it like that…
5. A good goddamn
You've said it a hundred times. They’ve been beating this sad dead corpse of a merchandise marketing machine for more than 30 years now. They tried animated creatures, they tried Ewan MacGregor, they tried scaring Harrison Ford out of whatever tree he was hiding in, why won’t they just let it die? You HATE this movie and everyone in it, you hate the cultural stink bomb it’s become, and you would rather die with a turd in your eye than hear one more word about any story that doesn’t take place right now in the present time, in a galaxy so close we’re actually in it. Your hate deserves more than just a regular goddamn - you’ve saved your BEST goddamn for this pile of turnips. For you, there is no trying this movie, it will only lead to suffering.